I hate your face
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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