i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
