my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
