I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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