I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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