Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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