I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
from now on my penis is your penis
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
