What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
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