god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
