Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
