I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
