when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
