What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
