Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
