You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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