I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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