Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
