my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
