He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
third nipple confirmed
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother