I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.