I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
