I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
