I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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