she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
