Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
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lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
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how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house