Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
