How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.