$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub