My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
