The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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