someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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