Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
