I feel like abortions should bother me more
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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