so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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