just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
