I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
