you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
