hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Sext me about skeletons
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
