peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
