After last night, I could never be a politician.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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