It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
where does the pee come out of this thing
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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