onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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