how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
