It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
