I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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