It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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