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You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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