Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
