A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
