life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
