Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
