we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
