I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
