my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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