census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
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