I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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