My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
