You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
