i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
What drink are we having for lunch?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
